Man, I love reading comics and fantasy novels. My favorite one is the one with the red haired and green eyed girl character. You know the one.

FUCKING ALL OF THEM!

Red hair and Green eyes. I don’t know what it is with the the obsession in nerd culture with the red haired and/or green eyed girls. The sci-fi/fantasy world is practically peppered with the recessive bastards. Don’t believe me? Here are a few:

Siryn, Fairchild, Rose Red, Jean Grey, Poison Ivy, Red Sonja, Dawn, Batwoman, Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, Oracle, Mary Jane Watson, Hope Summers, Hawkgirl, Mystique, Starfire, Firestar, Medusa, Tika Waylan Majere, Granualie, Melisandre, Ygritte, Sansa, Avienda, That chick from Brave, Wilma Flintstone, Lois Griffin, April O’Neil, Judy Jeston, Daphne, Jessica Rabbit, Lil Mermaid, Willow, Felicia Day, Leeloo Dallas Multipass, Scully, Dr. Crusher and every GDamn Weasely from Harry Potter!

*NOTE* No I didn’t list any guy redheads in sci-fi fantasy. Trust me there are just as many. But since most comics, sci-fi and fantasy are written by guys, the red haired girl serves as nerdy wish fulfillment. Not as many girls out there clamoring for the feel of pale skin and ginger crotch.

Listen nerd world, red hair makes up about 1-2% of the WORLD’S population. Hey Angry Nerd, Scotland and Ireland….

Yeah yeah. The place most super nerds claim to hail from. Anyway it is not a land littered with wild red haired warriors. While higher in both locations it is only 14% and 10% the population respectively.

But in the comic/fantasy world, every damn heroine is a red haired girl. And yes normally with green eyes. I can practically hear the dudes squeal with joy sounding like Lo-Pan “A girl with green eyes!” (see what i did there?!)

Oh, and Jean Grey is the worst mainstream comic character ever created. I giggle when she dies over and over. There is nothing cool or endearing about her that has the majority of male mutants go positively batshit for her red tresses. And please don’t mention Phoenix.

Here is the truth, you ready? If you like Phoenix you have an inferiority complex. Deep down you feel weak in the world no matter how you act on the outside. Phoenix is a power trip wish fulfillment character. Don’t hate on me, its your complex. Take a dive in lake you fucker. But i digress.

If i were an adviser to an Evil Overlord or Super villain, my first recommendation would be to kill every kid with red hair and/or green eyes. If you allow them to live, things will not go well for you in the end. That rule would come just after the one where you are no longer allowed to keep your weakness in a mountain fortress guarded by three riddles and instead keep it in a safety deposit box.

So come on nerdy writers, let’s end this trope. Let’s try something else. Remember, for every hot redhead (guy or girl) you are 10 times more likely to get this:

Carrot Top

or this

kathy-griffin-premiere

Or worse, baby Angry Nerd

BABY

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Ok, so I say a few things here and there that come off as sexist. I never really mean it. Most of it is said for humor. Sometimes there may be a smidgen of truth. Some people call it chauvinism. Some call it misogyny. I call it Masculism. Look it up, it’s a thing! It is like feminism, but without the angst and Lilith Fair smell.

See, there I go again.

Look I am just going to be up front. From time to time some of my Angry Nerd blogs are going to come off as sexist. It is not meant to be hurtful. I truly truly believe in the equality of the sexes. But when some pompous women gets a nose bleed from her high horse and she waxes on about a phallic world full of dick buildings, bullets and bombs I just tune her out and start slinging my own rhetoric.

Life isn’t about who’s right or wrong. Nor is it about is stronger or weaker. It is about equality. But we live in a society that makes you take a side on the biggest issues and the most mundane ones as well. Democrat or Republican? American or Japanese Cars? Gas or Hybrid? Coke or Pepsi? PC or Mac? (BTW: the correct answers are Independent, Japanese, it doesnt matter, Coke with the occasional Wild Cherry Pepsi and PC..Macs are for elitist dicks who want to pay 3x the cost to do the same thing on a PC–future blog coming!).

But back to the topic at hand. In a land of ‘Alpha’ male gym pricks talking about their workout routine like a PhD candidate’s dissertation, truck nuts, MMA wannabes, Jersey Shore Lothario clones and dude-bro frat flip-cup fuckwads, I am a super nice guy. I HATE those assholes. I go out of my way to not be them. I work out, but don’t have to tell you about it. I drive a sensible car. I am confident without being a douche (I hope). And mostly day in and day out try and be a good person, treating others like I would want to be treated, tempering the truth against what people need to hear.

But then someone has to go and ruin it all. And my sexist hackles begin to rise.

HER: “Men will never understand the sacred blessing it is to be a mother.”

ME: “You know a father is pretty important also.”

HER: “Oh whatever. We carry the child within us. Do you understand that? We create life.”

ME: “Ok you smug,..grrr…listen you don’t create life. This isn’t parthenogenesis. And besides, when you have a delicious cake, you don’t thank the oven, you thank the chef who made the batter!”

-or-

HER: “You don’t understand. This music is part of my soul. It’s who I am”

ME: “You know, my music is pretty important to me as well.”

HER: “Please. All that is headbanging noise. Over testosterone crap.”

ME: “Ok listen, that dude you like as he plays his acoustic guitar and sings about his phantom vagina is not the music of your soul. It is a brilliantly crafted pussy trap that sucks women like you in. At least my music makes me fell like I can tackle and accomplish any task set before me or move the goddamn obstacle that is in my way!”

What it boils down to it live and live let live. But, when any asshole, male or female, starts slinging their shit is when I feel the need to respond. And if said response is towards a female, I get the sexist label. And that is bullshit.

If I make fun of Christopher Nolan’s Batman series (and I have) I am not called a man hater. But if I say something about cosplay girls being wannabe strippers with a superiority complex (and I will in the future), then I get labeled sexist.

Long story short, I am consistent in my angst. It is the perceptions of others and their own internal demons reflected outward that give labels. Those looking for a fight will always find one.

So, this blog entry serves as quasi-apology for future. And as my lovely wife just pointed out moments ago, I used the term ‘Some Chick’ while explaining my blog post to her. She informed me that could be taken as sexist. I told her that I also used the term “Some Dude” and didn’t get any flack. And I would wager that any person who likes to take offense to innocent comments like dude or chick, never once in their adult life greeted someone “Hello fellow homo-sapien!”

 

As any adult who grows up loving the sci-fi/fantasy genre will attest, you have your ‘geek friends’. And one of the biggest past times of the geek friends (besides pseudo-intellectual bitching about stuff that doesn’t matter) is the adult ‘what-if’ game. Conversations will inevitably go down the path where you have to ensure no youthful ears are present to overhear (or someone who is easily offended)

You know, the kind of conversations you make each other laugh with while trying to be creative. Like, wondering what the other kids at Hogwarts were doing while Harry and crew were saving the world. You think the older teens were using magic to screw around on the ceiling? I would. Or did Luke Skywalker talk so much guy smack in the Rebel locker room about how he was gonna get up on Leia. Then when it is out she is his sister, did the same rebels then mock Luke to the point he force choked them?

Anyway, the latest question i pose to anyone reading this is: What is the worst job to have in Sci-Fi/Fantasy?

I will start you off. Star Trek The Next Generation. The crewman responsible to cleaning the Holodeck. Why? Because of all the human ‘fluid’ all over the place. You think that that thing was used only to re-enact Shakespeare and old books? Fuck no! There were kids on that ship in addition to regular randy crewmen. That thing was a virtual brothel. And trust me, any parental V-Chip installed was easily deactivated by the big brain badass kids between quantum mechanic classes.

Side question: Is is cheating if the object of your lust in an interactive 3D hologram?

Digital Porn Paradise

Digital Porn Paradise

Dear fantasy authors, you suck.

Ok, that’s mean. Let me try again…<ahem> Dear Fantasy Authors, of whom I have spent countless hours reading and hundreds of dollars supporting, you suck the sweat from a dead dog’s diseased dick.

Fuckin’ classy, I know.

Growing up I read the Hobbit and I was hooked. I read all the Dragonlance and Forgotten Realm books in middle school, and graduated to expanded universe of adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy. I rode along with the adventures of whoever the protagonist happened to be. Whether solo or with a group. Usually a pastoral setting and a naive chosen one, or a tough as nails anti-hero with a troubled past and a unique set of skills that sets them apart from the others. Perhaps a sweeping epic spanning generations, or a urban setting that brings the fantasy world to our modern doorstep. Ultimately they would lay the smack down on whatever ultimate evil there was and retire until the editor demands the sequel.

Then, I guess i got jaded along the way. Happens to us all. But in my jadedness I saw a few irksome quirks of the genre that I can’t get past.

Peeve #1: a few thousand years is a shitload of time to remain stagnant.

Here is the most classic example that embodies my point. [Note, this from a movie, not the books specifically, but it visually illustrates the literary point the genre is rife with]. In the Lord of the Rings, Fellowship movie, the scene opens with the last alliance of Man and Elves squaring off against the dark forces of Sauron. Battle, blah blah, dead dad, son slices finger, ring [ooh shiny], explosion, ring betrays Isildur, ring lies in the river, ends up with Golem. Ok, now they said something like 3000 years had past from that time to the ‘present’. Why the fuck is everyone still dressed in the same armor & clothes, using the same wagons and basically living is quasi Renaissance Fair? Did the sentient beings all say ‘Let’s take a break’ when the loom & steel were perfected?

Ok nerds, I can feel your eagerness to pounce. Blah blah Magic, blah blah mankind was weak blah blah freaking blah.I get it you wimps, you like elves. Or for the burly nerd who likes to drink, you like dwarves. Whatever. The point is mankind has one thing in spades, anger. It was never necessity that brought about invention. It was being pissed! I want over that water to hunt, build a bridge! That dude has more stuff, build a spear! Holy shit, that dude with a pointy stick [ooh, pointy stick] is coming at me, I need a bow! Damn my feet hurt, make shoes! Shoes suck for distance, build a wagon and dominate that horse! So forth and so on.

If said fantasy world has mages doing magic crap, normal folk are gonna find a way to replicate it.

Sure, I get it. It’s fantasy. But, smart fantasy writers have ways of making it make sense. Robert Jordan for example. In his Wheel of Time world the reason it is set at that convenient Renn Fest level was because the old world was a super advanced Utopia that crumbled and hit the reset button. In Jim Butcher’s awesome Codex Alera series, every human has a form of magic. They never needed to evolve. They have refrigerators and running water that is based on the natural magics different types of people possess, and yet, it is still the normal ‘fantasy’ setting. Brilliant!

Listen, I get the use of the ancient sage and prophesy. Or forgotten lore re-emerging in the ‘present’ day of a fantasy novel. But in our own human timeline, from 3000 BC to 2500 BC it was basically Bronze, papyrus and the great pyramid at Giza. Ok, cool. 3000 years later we have Greek philosophy and Roman rule. Not the time period for the average fantasy. Ok, let’s say your ancient sage was equivalent to ancient Greece. 3K later, we are intergalactic travelers. And that’s my point. Authors, make your world believable. Take the time to know the back story if you plan on using crap from the past. I’m looking at you George RR Martin! [Yes hipster nerds who loved his books before the shows. Your beloved messiah is guilty as well.]

Peeve #2 – STOP USING PROPHECY!

Listen, whether it is the foretelling in Harry Potter, Neo in the Matrix or any other prophecy in the medium, it blows. Prophecy means NO FREE WILL.

YOU: But Angry Nerd, the character can always choose to not accept….

ME: BLAH BLAH BLAH! The hero always does, and the prophecy is fulfilled. Don’t care if time is linear a circle or a flippin’ parallelogram or rhombus. Prophecy is weak writing and a child’s delusion/wish fulfillment. No, you are not special and your destiny to become great was NOT foretold. Now go do some fucking pushups, learn some jokes and develop a personality.

Peeve #3 – Practice Practice PRACTICE!

To master a skill, the rough number is about 10,000 hours according to Malcolm Gladwell. Even if that is a bunch of crap, people still need to practice. Heroes in stories never practice nearly enough at whatever it is they are ‘the best at’. And when you don’t practice a skill, it gets rusty fast. And that is the thing. In a lot of fantasy books, the protagonists spend a lot of time soul searching, running and doing whatever. But the real obsession to the thing they are best at, requires dedication to said craft and practice practice practice. Don’t believe me? Go try and play guitar or any instrument and reach Eddie Van Halen level. Guess what you spend the next bulk of your life doing? Guitar in hand doing it. Over and over and over.

Look, i get it is fantasy. But born with natural talent only get’s you so far. Practice takes you the rest of the way. It just chaps my ass when you have a badass swordsman character, who never practices constantly winning. You know those red shirt soldier types the evil overlord employs? They are professional soldiers, they spend all damn day soldiering (or drinking and dicing so prisoners can escape). Point is, Ragnar the Ancient was brought out of retirement, but hasn’t swung an ax in years. Yet he heeded the call, joined with Buttstaff the Young, super druid wunderkind and together they defeat 42,734 soldiers and beasts.

You have any GODDAMN IDEA how much cardio it takes to just fight for as long as fantasy heroes seem to be capable of? A freaking Crossfit grandmaster couldn’t keep up. Ugh…..

Peeve #4 – Rushing the Ending/Finishing the Series

Listen, we all know it is hard hard freaking HARD to finish a series that satisfies the majority of the fan base. Take the last Wheel of Time book Memory of Light. I hated it. Seriously, it sucked. The way it was written to convey urgency. The lame attempts of the Forsaken to get the 4 Great Generals. Mat and Tuon. The Dark One and Rand sections. And that horrible ending. Just crap. Point is, the ending was rushed and it came out in a convoluted mess. Really there are only three options. Hollywood ending, Hero dies a tragic death yet it holds vast meaning and purpose and lastly letting the villain win.

On that same note, too many books recently climax with mere pages left to go in the book. Believe it or not authors, the anti-climax is almost as important. More so in many ways. The characters we are invested in, mean something to us. We need to know their state of being before we can put the book down.

Oh, Martin fans, how you feel knowing the inevitable that there is going to be some kind of actual high fantasy God of Light/Fire squaring off against The Cold God & The Others? Makes all that petty war for kings and characters kind of pointless eh? Will you still hail ole Georgie as your Literary Lord and Savior or have you hipsters already abandoned him since the show is successful and you can buy a ‘Winter is Coming’ t-shirt at Wal-mart?

Peeve #5 – Your Dumb as Fuck ‘Fantasy’ Names and Worlds.

Personally i have a rule. If i pick up a new book at the store and read the page and it goes anything like “On the plains of Kkyrt, near the Favv’al’an Fire Falls, Kormander waited for the first arrow to fall.” i will just put it down and never read it. Hell, it may be the best story and have the most interesting characters. But i will never know because it read like someones 14yr old named everything after running his first D&D campaign.

Oh, side pet peeve that goes along with this. If i see the word ‘cacophony’ in the first page, i won’t buy it also. A dumb 5$ word too many hacks use.

Peeve #6 – A Unique Culture Should Be, You Know, Fucking Unique

Ok, this one seems simple right? Nope. I can’t tell you how many times i have read a story where the author has basically either modeled a group after a real world group (which isn’t that bad), but worse, just picked and chose certain elements from real world cultures. Example, Robert Jordan and the Seanchan. WORST CHARACTERS EVER. They started on the main continent, all European model based, and their descendents came back in bug like lacquered armor, painted nails, shaved heads and a drawl to their voice/accent. So, these Seanchan were essentially Japanese Texans in bug armor.

Jordan nerds: DON’T START WITH ME. I know it was an empire and in such a myriad of cultures combined. You know what else was? Rome, and motherfuckers around the world fell in line once they were Romans.

Oh, speaking of Jordan, WTF is up with the Aiel? Sure, they are cool. But 6’6″ spear using, Bedouins with red/blonde hair and grey eyes? So, you said middle east, code of Hammurabi celtic/viking stock? Sigh….

A hodgepodge of real world traits in a fantasy group’s culture isn’t creative. It is lazy and a Frankenstein Monster. Take the time to make your group unique. Maybe for once Elves can be something other than homoerotic immortal berry vegans. Perhaps Dwarves can stop sounding like an American doing a bad Braveheart impersonation at a Scottish highland game? Ye know laddie?

So, while i it was cruel to say that fantasy authors suck the sweat from a dead dog’s diseased dick. Whenever i see the same mistakes over and over, it hard to think anything else. We all know there are tropes out there, and said tropes are comforting. Sure, redneck inbred elves would be funny. In fact they are (Shout out Larry Correia!). Point it, at least it is unique and something different. Maybe authors cold try and push the craft and the genre to places we all would enjoy reading and following.

Lastly, making it dark and deadly gruesome with grit and grime doesn’t make it better. It makes it a comic reboot. Dark just means you have no imagination.

Would it kill you hollywood? Would it? Who’s fault is it? The director, the editor or the writer?

Just three damn lines of dialogue to fix your plot holes, inconsistencies, convoluted moments, wasted moments and general fucktardery.

Regular folks [read: dumb] can watch a movie, or a show, and be generally appeased with the entertainment with little complaint. I mean, hell, that explains why ‘Two and a Half Men‘ has been on the air as long as it has. Hyper vigilant geeky people like me see this stufff, get into a nerd rage and have to write about, say mean things and call non geeks dumb (sorry folks). But anyway.

The point is, just a couple of lines, a few seconds of screen time could explain away the glaring errors. Here are three examples:

  • Remember in the book, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the Marauders Map? It was created by Padfoot, Prongs, Wormtail and Mooney? In the book it was a big deal. A real big deal. It was via this plot tool that the past and present were connected. Harry learned Proff Lupin was Mooney, and that his Dad would turn into a stag (Prongs), Black into a giant dog (Padfoot) to corral Lupin and Wormtail would calm the womping willow. This was why Harry’s patronus was a Stag. Connecting the father and son, though they never met. Deep huh? Well, absolutely none of that made it into the movie. Sure, the Map was in there, and Lupin and Remus both knew of the map and its abilities, you briefly saw a stag from Harry’s wand, but that’s it. The movie never took any GDamn seconds to tell you WHY. Good thing we got talking a shrunken head in a Jamaican accent on the Knight Bus instead. Total time to allow Prof. Lupin to explain this heartwarming moment in the end of the flick while he was packing up his trunk and handing the Map back to Harry: 42 seconds.
  • Iron Man 3. Yeesh. Ok, the plot that movie is rife for ridicule (and I will pick it apart later). However, I will focus on one thing: The ARC reactor in his chest. Remember that piece of engineering marvel that provided clean wireless energy in addition to keeping the shrapnel out of his heart? Well, apparently the folks making the movie did. In IM1, it powered his suit, but come IM2 Rodie exploited the fact mysterious fact the new suits no longer needed it. What what what? Why? And come IM3, Tony had a fleet of suits that don’t require it. If the intent of the movie was to spit in the face of the established “rules” of the franchise, then bravo. But, if it was an oversight or editing mistake, why not fix it? Maybe Pepper asked Tony why wold he do such a bass-akward thing, and he could be all smarmy and tell her it was a choice to make the armor independently powered, but he could always fall back on his mini ARC. And then in the crucial moment of act 2, after the ‘Mandarin’s’ attack on Tony’s home. The suit flew off with him and he crash landed in the snow because he was out of power? At that moment there could have been a line or two of dialogue with Jarvis explaining the wireless energy transfer was offline, hence the whole second act of IM3 with him and the kid and recharging his armor? Total screen time to fix said fuck up: 31 seconds.
  •  Thor, blonde, buff Asgardian bad-ass. And frankly, kind of an asshole. In his 2011 big screen debut he had friction with his old man and BAM, sent to Earth to learn his lesson. And over the course of a long weekend, he learned humility. And we learned he was blind because he chose the scary tooth-to-gum ratio of Natalie Portman’s smile over the awesome rack of Kat Dennings. But anyway. Since they clearly established he WAS the actual Norse God of human myth, that made him over a thousand years old, not the late 20’s deity he appeared to be. A thousand. So,…a few days was enough to make him rethink everything? In this example, a simple explanation addition to NattiePO during the stargazing scene would have suffice. One where he tells her, in his world time passes differently, and that is why Proff. Selvig’s ancestors thought him a God. He could have said that he as only 28. And we as an audience could see a young man evaluating the error of his ways following the “death” of his father and humility in his past actions. Total screen time to explain, 19 seconds.

When movies like this come out, sometime they have a plot hole that drives me, other nerds and the internet nuts. The fix is simple, but no one takes the fucking time to simply say “Ahh, a line or two here and there we go, a cohesive story!” Instead they crank the flick out, jack up the sound and CGI eye orgy and hope above hope no one notices until well after the box office gross comes in.

That being said if they actually did fix them, nerds like me wouldn’t have anything to bitch [talk] about to other nerdy friends and the internet. Hmm, could Hollywood be so smart as they planned that?……………

Ok nerds, you need to realize the truth – The Nolanverse Batman trilogy was a high price call girl/good looking whore. Said whore’s only mission was to take your money and laugh in your face. She made you feel good. She was everything you wanted her to be.

Fake.

The disciples of Nolan will tell you Batman Begins, The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises were the Father, Son and Holy Spirit of comic movie franchises. They will babble on about the realism. They will wax poetic about the cast of characters and the sublime acting. They will yell at angry nerds who write blogs to the contrary and label him a troll, or hipster, or contrarian or anything they see fit because someone said ill of the Prophet Nolan, hallowed hype be thy name.

The real truth is they love 2 things. How it looks, and Heath Ledger. Sure they like the supporting cast. Class acts for sure. But let me whiddle it down for you. Batman Begins was good. Very good. With a few minor gripes (a bat summoning boot thing? really?) it was grounded in reality, good plot, good villain and Batman was the star of the show.

And that was where it began to fail. Because it stopped being a Batman story. Maybe it never was. They became a Bruce Wayne story. His struggle. His emotion. His….well fuck it. I don’t care.

I am sick and fucking tired of ALL the modern Batman movies, from the Burton, to the Shumacher to the Nolan, having the caped crusader go all emo and basically give up, for a girl. That is NOT Batman. Don’t Believe me? Vikki Vale, Catwoman, Chase Meridian, Julie Madison and Rachel GODDAMN Dawes, both versions. Oh, and Catwoman again with a lil Talia al Ghul on the side.

Thanks Hollywood. Thanks Nolan. Thanks for making the comic dark vigilante all Toby MacGuire for a girl. But I digress.

The Nolan version of Batman is beautiful. It should be. It was filmed great. But when you start throwing the ridiculous crap in there, you can ignore a few things. Hey, it is a comic movie after all right. But how much is too much?

TDK:

  • The bat voice was moronic. Everyone knows it. Some asshat tried to tell me it was because Batman was a force of nature. Seriously. “Grrr Where is Rachel Daaaaaawes?!!”
  • Bruce Wayne, with the help of Fox, rents out the Russian Ballet and goes on his yacht. You know, for an alibi. Then jumps overoard in plain sight, and hops on a seaplane. THEN, Batman goes into communist China (illegally), kidnaps a Chinese citizen (who left America on a legal visa/passport), and drops him off at Gotham central. Really. So China was cool with that?  So Gotham cops said “Hmmm…well shucks, since he is here and all, might as well question him, State department won’t mind.” Oh, and do you think Batman perched on the C-130 seats, stared at everyone and his bat voice say “I’m Batman. More peanuts please. What’s the in-flight
    movie?” for the 13hr flight back? Love that Nolan realism.
  • Eric Roberts and Michael Jai White’s ‘academy performances’ as mob bosses….sigh
  • Lucius Fox has the gall complain about cell phone sonar after supplying Wayne with tech and gear to perform vigilante justice for years AND assisting in the illegal kidnapping of a Chinese national.
  • Harvey Dent and his oh so quick heel turn to Two face. A point of contention. Some folks really like this contrived plot device. And the burned face was less than ‘real’. Kinda cartoony.

I could go on and on. But, i just wish people would admit the truth. THEY LOVED THE JOKER AND THAT WAS IT. Ledger was great. Blew it out of the water. Deserved his accolades and his Oscar. But, that didn’t make the movie! One shiny beacon in a plot holed riddled crap feast wrapped in REALISM. Ugh.

TDKR:

  • Lord, lord lord. The Bane voice. Sweet Jesus. A British German Bond villain. Come on, Nolan. Now you are just fucking with me on purpose, aren’t you? You are literally just shoveling shit at me and expect me to accept it because the movie is pretty.
  • Lemme get this straight. Bruce quit 8 years ago because of his broken heart and bum knee? He was Batman for maybe 18 months! WHAT THE FUCK?!
  • Wait, did Alfred just give Bruce the Good Will Hunting speech? The one where Affleck tells Damon the best part of his day is when he hopes Damon has just up and left and found a better life? Really?
  • Miranda was Talia the whole time huh? So, why didn’t she just blow up Gotham at any point she was CEO?
  • A magic knee brace.
  • Bane brakes the Bat. Put’s him somewhere in Drka-Drkastan, and leaves him with a doctor. Said doc hangs Bruce in traction, a few pulls ups and push ups and he is 100% again huh? MATALO MATALO BULL SHIT!
  • JESUS THE BANE VOICE. ‘Gotham is yours! Take it!’ He was going to blow it up anyway, why wait 6 months?
  • How the FUCK did BW get out of Drka-Drkastan wearing only prison clothes and get back to Pittsburgh…ummm Gotham? How did he get in? Wait, what…did he really waste a shit load of time spreading gas or something flammable around to lite up the bat symbol?
  • Holy Shit, Miranda was Talia and she LITERALLY stabbed Bruce in the back.
  • Bane really didn’t see the GIANT motorcycle with cannons that can only shoot the way the cycle is facing roll up and point at him? Leaving Bane, the baddest man you spent 2 hours hyping up, to die in a punk bitch mannor. Ugh.
  • Seriously? Could you mention the auto pilot being broken again? I don’t think the audience heard you the first 6 times.
  • So Bat’s carried a nuke out of the city, got out, and out swam the blast, and radiation huh?

See, this is the crap that keeps me up at night. The crap that I cannot stop seeing. The emperor’s new clothes suck. They are rife with bad writing and piss poor points that everyone just ignores.

You see, a buddy of mine once said, when watching these flicks, “When Batman is on the screen, he is the least interesting thing.” And damned if he wasn’t right.

Sometimes i think the Bruce Wayne movies, NOT Batman, were a joke between the Nolan brothers and Goyer. A bet they made to see if they could throw really god awful b-movie, paint by numbers plot at the audience and they would accept it. As long as it looked good on imax. A damnit, they were right.

You’ve been fucked, and you allowed it to happen.

That being said I own all three on Blu-Ray.

Lets put it right out on front street: Boba Fett and his “Dad” Jango are horrible bounty hunters and intergalactic buffoons.

If you like them, then you are a style over substance person. You might as well try out for the next evolution of The Jersey Shore.

Like many who grew up watching Star Wars, I loved Boba Fett. And Jango was one of the few things that was cool that came from the abortion of a series known as the The Prequel Trilogies.

Recently I was watching Star Wars again with my own son now. Watching it now, the realization that there was nothing good or cool about the family known as Fett at all set in.

*Disclaimer* the following soap box rant is based off of the movies only. NOT the expanded universe in books etc. I have read a bunch of them, and let’s be honest, they are crap. One or two of merit. But they are mostly fan wanking fanfic with horrible names. Hell, they often contradict the actual source material of the movies unless the Holy George descends and deems it so.

Jango was at his time the most bad ass bounty hunter the Galactic Republic knew. He was feared in the outer rim and recruited for all the pimp missions. So, here we have Darth Tyranus. And the dude known Dooku is so impressed by the Fett fella that when the Sith solution of a Clone Army was proposed they used this one stud as the genetic template. You have to say to yourself, ‘Damn, you must be the man’ when they want over a million of you’s running around.

But as my son was oohing and ahhing at Jango and lil Boba fighting Obi Wan on the rainy platforms at Kamino, I realized something: Jango’s idiocy was what propelled the plot to this point. Think about it. Jango sub contracts an assassination on Amadala to the shape shifting chick Zam. Zam drops a couple of lethal bugs off in the bedroom of Amadala via droid. The plot is foiled by the wooden acting of Anakin and the burgeoning mullet of Obi Wan. So, Zam’s droid got busted does a 180 and flies back to her, leading the Jedi straight to her. Stupid for sure. But when the Jedi finally get to her and she is about to spill the beans she is killed, by Jango Fett.

And how did Mr. Bad-Ass kill her? With a dart.

A dart from only one place in the galaxy.

From a place which a mysterious figure broke into the Jedi Archives to remove its existence. Preventing people from finding by accident.

A dart from the one place the Sith didn’t want the Jedi knowing even existed yet. You know, where all the secret clones have been being growing for the last 10 years.

It never occurred to our rocket packed pal that perhaps he shouldn’t use a device so obscure it would lead directly to him. Perhaps shoot Zam with a dart only found on Hoth, or Tattooine. Or perhaps, I dunno, a f*cking sniper blaster. But as it is, one Kamino Saber Dart later and the Jedi are on thier way to Kamino. And from there the roller coaster crap fest that is Attack of the Clones leads to ultimately to gun juggling Jango to say goodbye to his life, armor, Son and his head. (Badass Muther F*ckin’ Master Jedi Mace saw to that.)

Which leads us to the one who started it all. The original bad boy Boba. The helmeted hero of 8yr olds everywhere. Ranked over and over in nerd polls for being an interstellar badass.

FOR WHAT?! Disintegrating his targets? Capturing Han? He didn’t do anything!! He followed the Falcon and tattled to Vader about Han being in Bespin. Some Bounty Hunter. He cowardly stood like a pimp next to big pappa Vader and then rolled out with a carbonite trophy. So, go ahead and say how smart he is. Go ahead and kiss his ass.

Boba was a short angry man who inherited his daddy’s name, armor and ship and same cocky attitude. He also inherited his ineptitude and propensity to getting schooled by Jedi. And in the end, he became Sarlac chow.

So, the Fett clan were nothing more than arrogant, self absorbed, short sighted arrogant asshats. In the real world we have a word for that: Douchebag.

So enjoy your figurines, hoodies and Mandalorian masturbation nick-knacks. But, always remember, the Fett’s are also the genetic template for the misfiring, weak minded, can’t find no droids Stormtroopers. Star Wars version of the Trek Red Shirt. Born to die.